Saturday, 22 January 2011

Rotten Apples

At the risk of this 'blog' becoming an anual thing, I'm going to try and revive it. The main reason I generally find it hard to update it on a weekly basis is rooted in a general belief that if you don't have anything to say, don't try and say something interesting. Let alone write it down for public consumption.

I've had an iPhone for just under a year now. At first I literally couldn't hide my technological erection at how amazing it was. It's all right though, there was an app for that.

After a few months, however, the novelty had worn off and I soon realised I was relying heavily on it for general entertainment when I should have been doing something else. I'm 22 (incidentally the level I'm stuck at on Angry Birds) and should be doing far more productive things with my life than cutting a rope to drop things in a frogs mouth.

This then, was the reason I wasn't overly heart broken when the 'home' button on it stopped working one day (who am I kidding? It was Cold Turkey for the first week and I worked out I could still use it by turning it off to change app's). After I while, I was back enjoying using my old Nokia B-rick.

I've been gigging further a field recently though, and knew it would be much easier to find train times, venues etc if I got my phone fixed. I went to the Apple Store to explain my problems, only to be told I would have to book an appointment in at the 'Genius Bar'. The only problem was the booking system was broken. Genius. Bloody genius.

And then it snowed. And then it was Christmas. And then their booking system was broken again. All in all it took my around 5 months to actually make the walk into town. I made an appointment for the following week.

On returning I was greeted by a man whose fringe could present T4 on it's own, and whose trousers were so tight he literally couldn't walk in a straight line. They made his feet turn inwards slightly that made me wonder whether he actually had a physical disability. It was definitely his trousers though. His bollocks must hate him.

He told me I'd have to wait for about 45 minutes. Surely this is the most inefficient form of customer service ever. You can't actually see an assistant on the day you're in town. You have to make a specific appointment. Then you're kept waiting?

He proceeded to treat my iPhone like a human being and gave it more care than the NHS gives pensioners. He pulled out a small instrument usually used by doctors for checking peoples ear infections, and told me there was no sign of water damage. Phew. (If anyone from Apple is reading this, I did spill water on my iPhone.)

Anyways, squashy bollocks told me he would be able to give me a new iPhone (in a slightly higher voice than if he'd been wearing normal trousers) but that I'd just have to wait 10 minutes for it. So I did.

Next my sim card was rejected and he told me I'd have to go to the Orange shop for a new one (even though it'd been working in my Nokia). So I went to the Orange shop only to be told I'd been given an O2 iPhone, apparently something the Genius Bar do regularly. I must have found the only genius with the IQ of a yoghurt. I was starting to get the impression this man used to practice headers with a brick.

I went back to the Genius Bar to find I would have to wait again. I was astounded to find an attractive girl in front of me was being given a whole new iPhone by squashy bollocks because "It sometimes doesn't connect to Wi-Fi at home," even though the screen was smashed. I wish I had breasts sometimes.

Anyways, after only a few more days of standing there he gave me another iPhone that worked. He was in a bit of a rush though, as he was filming as an extra on Hollyoaks later.

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